A Circuitous Beast
On trains, treatment, and the people we remain
Surreptitious, circumvent, circuitous — three of my favorite words! I like the way they sound. I like the way they roll around on my tongue, like a juggling act of consonants and vowels. They feel something akin to synonyms of royalty otherwise used for ordinary words.
Yesterday I started a new treatment center where coffee isn’t served. I need my caffeine to simply make it through the day so I went about attempting to concoct some form of liquid revival. I told one of the clients, “I’m trying to be surreptitious in my creation.” He asked what that meant and I said, “kinda like being sneaky!”
He liked that!
I liked that he liked it!
Nowadays I’m trying to figure out how to circumvent the reality of my mental health in a way that doesn’t get me hated, or me hating myself. It’s not an easy road, no matter how far you’ve traveled it.
I’m trying my best — that’s all I ever do.
Thirty-six days ago the pain of betrayal nearly took my life from me. The line separating me from no longer being here, and being here today, was a steep incline through dense brush that I wasn’t fast enough to climb before the train made its way across the tracks. I remember standing there, watching it whizz past me, wishing I could kick it!
Then as the train disappeared into the night.
All I could do was walk the tracks and wish the pain wasn’t louder than the locomotive.
I’ve traversed this earth long enough to know my mental health is a circuitous beast. There is no getting off this train, only learning how to ride it. Only discovering that the woman who teaches strangers new vocabulary and the woman who wishes the train would finally halt her pain at a screeching speed, is the same person.
I’ve come to accept this is part of me, and will be, for the rest of my life. All I can do is keep reaching out for connections that bring me and others life, and stop expecting the train to stop.
The train has places to go, and apparently, so do I!
With love, light and always a little sass!
~Amy